ARTICLES BY BANGKOK BYRON

April 30, 2020

BANGKOK DON JUAN

By - Bangkok Byron

Who is Don Juan?

Beginning as the name of the lead character in 17th-century Spanish play, and elevated to high art by the poet, Byron, the name, “Don Juan” has become a common expression for a womanizer. The Don Juans of the twenty-first century can be found in Thailand and other SE Asian countries (and also in Latin America), and can probably count more notches on their bedposts than the 17th-century original.

Inspired by Byron’s poem, I thought I’d have a go at putting my Thailand adventures (or should that be ‘misadventures’) into a narrative poem called Bangkok Don Juan, Needless to say, the title in my poem is ironic. Like the hero of my poem, Jim, I am no Don Juan – as my failures with women (two broken marriages) testify.

Jim is a ‘fat and fifty-something sort of man’ who, after his divorce, gives up his old hobby ‘w…weeding the garden’, and goes to Thailand where he indulges in every erotic experience on offer, including gogo bars, massage parlors, and karaoke bars, until he finally meets the love of his life, a Thai girl called Jum. Unfortunately, the path of Jim’s love is far from smooth, and there are complications involving another of Jum’s boyfriends, a US Marine nicknamed Joker.
 

How can I become a Don Juan?

As well as telling a story, my book is a sort of primer for the aspiring Bangkok Don Juan (a much better expression than “sex-tourist”, “monger” or “John”). It contains extensive notes which explain terms such as “mamasan”, “lady drink” and “barfine”. It discusses the challenges of finding “connection” and “chemistry”, and explains what is meant by “GFE” (note 2 in the extract below) and many other examples of sex tourist argot. It even includes a sort of primer in the Thai language in the many Thai words and phrases used in the poem and translated in the notes. (for example, “hong-nam” and “wan” in the extract). Another thing you can do is read all the information on this website!

An extract from the book is given below (Book II, Canto III). In the (unlikely) event that you enjoy it, you will be delighted to know that I am making this book available for FREE download from Amazon from 4th to 8th May – but before you go to the trouble of downloading it, be warned – it is written in verse (and pretty doggerel verse at that!) If (as is more likely), the verse is not your thing, you might prefer to wait for the release of the journals (unabridged, and what is more important, unexpurgated) on which it is based, provisionally entitled, Pussy Struck in the Land of Smiles. For the free download of Bangkok Don Juan, Click on the book cover and it will take you to the Amazon free download.

The extract

Book II, Canto III, Hong-Nam1

In the previous Canto, Jim had a disastrous night when he drank too much and couldn’t get it up, as a result of which he panicked and bought some Viagra. (For more on this delicate topic, read the blog post SHOULD I USE VIAGRA IN THAILAND? ). This canto describes what happened when he popped that pill.
 
JIM felt much better for a girl-free night
And very reassured by meeting Dan;
And confident that things would go all right;
Especially if he hammered out a plan
And followed it, and kept his goal in sight,
Learning from his mistakes like a wise man,
Instead of just repeating things that did he at
That bar on Monday like a drunken idiot.
 
‘To stop it happening again, I think
A list of rules would help to focus me:–
⦁    Alcohol – it’s hard, but just one drink!
⦁    Look for a friendly personality;
⦁    Avoid the girls who think their sh*t don’t stink;
⦁    Try to find that special ‘chemistry’;
⦁    Above all – that Viagra pill – don’t drop it;
And at the right time don’t forget to pop it!’
 
Now for the toilet (in the French sense, I mean –
I’m not describing Jim taking a crap!):
He took a shower, scrubbed his buttocks clean,
(He knew Thai girls can’t stand a smelly chap),
Cleaned his false teeth, gargled with Listerine,
And rinsed his mouth with water from the tap.
(A bad mistake) and then he went to try on
His clothes and press them with his travel iron.
 
He thought he’d try Soi 8 and Silver Star :
(A change from Walking Street – a change in luck?)
He liked the bar – the blue neon guitar
That on the wall outside the bar was stuck.
He liked the girls, for most were above par,
And hoped he’d a friendly one to f…flirt with.
He found one soon. They talked, fondled and kissed,
And then he checked her off against his list:–
 
A friendly personality? – You bet!
Bad attitude? No, quite the contrary:
Jum was a sweetie, wan2 as you can get!
What’s more, he felt that special chemistry
That makes a guy get hard, a girl gets wet.
She’d passed the test; survived the third degree –
All that remained, his checklist to fulfill,
Was, go to the hong-nam and pop that pill.
 
He didn’t really need it but he took it,
So worried was he after Monday night.
In fact, he was scared stiff – he didn’t look it –
But all his hopes were founded on tonight:
Get back his manhood, stroke her cu...curves and f…fornicate with her,
And everything, at last, would be all right.
Then down below he felt a movement jerking –
Perhaps that blue pill was already working!
 
And so he rushed her back to the hotel
And pushed her in the shower to get things started.
She wasn’t long, and things were going well,
When just before Jim pushed it in, he farted!
His bowels moved, he made a putrid smell:
’Twas diarrhea – Jim was broken-hearted!
What an evening – what a way to spoil it –
Rock hard, but rocking on a stinking toilet!
 
Jum just laughed – her father was a farmer,
And so she wasn’t phased by piles of poo.
She guessed he’d drunk something that wouldn’t harm her –
Probably water (where many microbes grew).
She told Jim not to worry and be calmer,
Because she knew exactly what to do
About his diarrhea and the odium,
And went out to the Chemists for Immodium.
 
By morning Jim was feeling rather better;
By afternoon he was feeling on top
Of the world – the perfect time to pet her –
And so they did the horizontal hop;
And she was wonderful – wilder and wetter
Than any other – he didn’t want to stop!
’Twas only later on after he’d shagged her,
He realized he’d done without Viagra!
 
Thinking it over made him realize
The difference was in her attitude –
Jum seemed to like him – so ’twas no surprise
He didn’t need a pill. Jum, in the nude,
Was quite enough to make his manhood rise,
Unlike girls who mechanically screwed.
At last, he’d found (with a little inconvenience),
The GFE3 (which means ‘Girlfriend Experience’).
 
And so he planned to see her the next day,
The next day, and the next day, and the next.
They spent the time in an unvaried way –
On sex and sex and sex and sex and sex;
A very Kama Sutra of love play,
Doing things he’d never dreamed of with his ex.
Of course, where bodies fit like hand and glove
So do our hearts – our couple fell in love.

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NOTES

1 Hong-Nam: literally, room-water; bathroom/toilet
2 Wan: sweet
3 GFE: Girlfriend Experience. This is what brings so many men to Thailand. Many girls offer so much more than the ‘wham-bam-that-will-be-€200’ of places like Amsterdam, that it can be just like being with a real girlfriend. Of course, that has a downside. Girls sometimes play on their customers’ affection to milk them of cash – lots of it! However, bargirls and customers often become real girlfriend and boyfriend, and many such relationships lead to marriage.

A bargirl showing physical attractiveness and ideal body mass.jpg

Chemistry what is it and how to find it

May 8, 2020

When Old Asia Hands talk about “chemistry” it has nothing to do with that dryasdust subject at school where you copied the table of elements and made disgusting smells in test tubes. They are referring to that indefinable electric spark between a man and woman that makes them feel horny – what the poet, Ezra Pound, called “the purring of the invisible antennae”.

The downtown red-light area of Hua Hin city.jpg

By train to Bangkok - Part two

April 22, 2020

It is always exciting – and a little nerve-racking – to explore a new “nightlife” area (I’m sure you understand the significance of the inverted commas). I had some idea what to expect from online research, but I also knew that some websites are hopelessly out of date (or just in la-la land).

Hat Yai city train station.jpg

By train to Bangkok - Part one

April 20, 2020

I was lucky enough to get one last trip to Thailand from February 24th to March 8th earlier this year. It was a trip I had been planning for a long time. The original plan was to travel by train to Bangkok from Singapore (where I am based). I was to find that the Singapore link has long been broken and to simplify things further,

A gogo dancer near a bar in Angeles city.jpg

The lady drink interview

April 17, 2020

When you are in a gogo bar, and you call a girl to sit with you, it is customary to buy her what is called a “lady drink” in return for her time. The drink is usually a watered coke and will cost about twice what your drink costs. The girl will get around half the cost of the drink. In fact, in many bars, you will often see the waitress give the girl a ticket with which she can claim her share later.

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